Repair
I’ve repaired a “relationship” with my father. A man who knocked all the teeth of my head for dropping a brass garden hose nozel on a backyard pool liner. A man who beat me and my brother with belts he never wore but hung on nails with mad cowboy-ish belt buckles on them. A man that beat the brother so bad that by the time he was able, fucking able, to escape he failed the NYPD physical ability test because he was legally deaf from being beaten up so bad by him. A man that was married to my mother for over 50 years and was so intolerable that she tried to kill herself at least twice in her life. The last attempt is what brought me back at all just to help her and I did. She got another solid 10 years of life with my help and towards her end she asked me several times to just “make peace” with my father. I make good on that promise.
So thats how good I am at forgiveness and repair and not letting my anger get to me. Hoo fucking Ray for me. Whats the point of this blog rant? Trust.
When the slightest rumor/seed/hint of mistrust is within me than you are placed on what I call a “pedestrian status”. You become that general outline of a male or human figure that is used to identify the mens and ladies room. It would be stupid of me to not acknowledge you there, I mean these signs are there for reasons, but it sure doesn’t mean that general outline of a figure means more me than the nail behind it holding it the fuck up.
Im very going at being passive and peaceful about this whole thing but I am a true holy terror of effective payback when I don’t want to be passive anymore and I have proven this to amazing effect in my 41 years of living and managed to not get anywhere near in trouble for it legally or morally.
So basically at this stage of my life when I have problems with concepts of trust I think of my two mantras in life I am master painter who will definitely not hurt my own hand or my canvas but will most definitely identify the pathogen of mistrust and preserve the art for current existence and future conservation.
